So I haven't posted in awhile but that's because my mental and physical health has taken a toll as of late.
I have two wisdom teeth coming out and sinus migraines from hell but that hasn't been the hectic part. The hectic part is my mental health. I feel lonely, in pain and broken.
As I am an overthinker this lockdown has got me spiralling. I wish so much was different and I feel haunted by the reasons as to why things are the way they are today. Im back in a place that I prayed so hard never to be in again.
My therapist says I'm not depressed, I have depression. The difference is that by saying you depressed it's like you owning it, like it's a part of you that can't be erased but if you say you have depression, it's something that you can recover from. It's like flu, you don't say I am flu, you say I got flu. I guess it's a positive way to look at a grim situation but to me depression is like going to war everyday against the negative and the anxiety. Its a constant fight where I dress myself in armor to fight another day. Some people believe people with depression are weak minded but the truth is we are stronger than most because everyday we rise up to fight another day, another thought, another trauma filled situation no matter how crappy we feel. With empty cups we still find a way to overflow. We are warriors in a battle of the mind and because of that I say that I'm a depression survivor, I'll survive the pain, the thoughts, the trauma. I will fight with the soil to get fertile ground and once all that is done I will grow, I will heal and in the meantime I will applaude for myself when I get out of bed and take a shower or eat even just a slice of bread on the days that all I feel like doing is lay in bed, dead to the world. I will celebrate the few things that I managed to do off my lockdown schedule even if it wasn't the whole list. The important thing is that I'm alive and I'm fighting.
This battle extends far beyond myself, this is a battle to end the depression cycle right here with me, breaking the generational curses. I fight so that my daughter and her daughter and her daughter and so forth don't have to take on the same battle as me. Depression must know that the war will end with me. I come with all weapons blazing. This is definitely not a battle for the weak minded.
They say call a friend to be a life line, what happens when all of them are occupied?
look in the mirror and then you shall see you the truest friend you could ever be.
P. S writing this actually made me feel abit better, I wasn't going to write but a friend of mine asked me as she has been waiting to see what's next.... Proud to say that this is inspiring to some ❤️