Beautiful day to all,
You will note that in most, if not all my posts I will talk about my daughter. She is truly my blessing, she saved my life when I felt I had nothing to live for.
I have struggled alot with this motherhood thing mainly because I have felt as though I never truly had my mother there. Don't get me wrong she took care of business when it came down to making sure things were okay financially but emotionally there was just an emptiness. I love my mother but I vowed to never be like her. I understood the complex situations that made her the way she was but I just didn't want to reach that point. So naturally when our planned pregnancy was confirmed I promised myself I would do better because I believed I knew better. I moved out, made a home for our little family and pushed everyday to just be everything and all to our baby.
When our baby girl was born it was scary but we pushed through every obstacle and made sure that her needs were met in every aspect so when I started falling apart 5 months later it was a shock. I was anxious about who was taking care of her, anxious about being back at work, anxious about managing work, home, the baby and our relationship. It became too much and I was losing my mind. I seeked the help of a therapist for Post Natal Depression who later realised I had more than that, I had a life of traumatic experiences and depression.
I realised more and more as my life unravelled that the more I ran away from being my mother I became her. They say "that which you judge you become" and wow did I become so caught up in my depression that I lost grip of everything and everyone except my daughter. So in my case instead of becoming emotionally cold towards my child I clung onto her like a life support letting go of everyone else.
I am working through my issues and learning that there is no such thing as a perfect mother, all I can do is push and try. Motherhood is a learning experience, it has taught me about judgments, love, inner peace and has set me on a journey of self discovery.
My baby girl remains the keeper of my heart, she has set me on a journey of balance, of mental health and of understanding the inner wounds of one's inner child. She has pushed me to grow and heal.
Poem for my daughter
Everytime I look at you, you are a reminder..
A reminder to breathe and live
A reminder to heal and build
A reminder to be happy and alive
A reminder to love and thrive
A reminder of greatness.
My dear you are a reminder of purpose.