In a dark space.
I sometimes wonder if I'm weak minded and hearted because some things hit me so intense that I can't breathe or even look up to face another day. I have broken my toe, had a c section but those things are nothing compared to emotional pain.
It's like the train of my life has lost control and its speeding to the edge of the cliff. Everything is falling to pieces and I am shook at the shards that I see before me.
Be positive I tell myself. Practice gratitude every morning by writing down what you grateful for, say affirmations, manifest the life you want, pray, meditate, change your mindset, self love, self care but I still feel like im being crushed to nothing but dust. I laugh, I smile but I cry so much harder. When will the train stop? , when will it fall off the cliffs edge? , do I need to call it quits and jump off the train for good?. I'm trying Lord but there's parts of me that have given up. I'm basically dragging myself along trying to make it through this.
I have people who love me like Derek, Faith, Natisha, Sanele and a few more who are there for me and care for me and yet I feel alone. I feel like I'm on my own. Like they can never understand the intensity of my pain, like they can never understand the lack of strength. I used to be so happy and full of life I miss that girl, she was so resilient and a light that needed nothing but to just be and people would be drawn. I feel like a dark cloud now.
I have been told I have always been very strong and there has been hopes that I find that strength again but I feel like sometimes when you have been strong for too long it becomes too much. Its probably the reason I'm breaking this way. I'm human and I'm flawed and things hurt and things are hard and sometimes I have zero strength.
I think of something I read that states if life is getting harder and you feel like you can't bare it, hold on abit longer as that's when you closest to your break through. I wonder if that's true. I have shed alot of who I have been and who I thought I was, I have learnt hard lessons that shook my soul to its core, I have paid tremendously for all my mistakes and bad decisions and have burnt my heart to ashes as a sacrifice to purification of myself. Walking through my own personal hell so I wish and hope that this thing about a breakthrough is true.
I am definitely not the same person I was when all this began and at this point I want to just quit but the thought of a breakthrough makes me want to continue.
God be with me...
Im speechless.. 😶